


I Will Love You (Even When You Forget)

by CheekyBrunette



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-18 01:08:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/873960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheekyBrunette/pseuds/CheekyBrunette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The doctor says it’s rare.  That it’s genetic and it’s rare, and it’s almost unheard of for someone in their thirties to start showing symptoms, but here is Niall, thirty-two with no life ahead of him.</p>
<p>And Zayn pays attention. He really does. He listens to everything the doctor says with a tight grip on Niall’s leg to remind him that he’s still here and that he’s not gone yet.</p>
<p>But it doesn’t really help because Niall is going to be gone soon, and all their plans of finally getting married, and them both getting better jobs, and 2.5 kids and a white picket fence and a dog in the front yard are gone with the rest of their future, and their physician leaves them to themselves, and Zayn starts crying harder than any other time in his life because this is by far the worst news he has ever gotten."</p>
<p>Or where Niall is sick with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease, and Zayn is the only one who remembers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Love You (Even When You Forget)

There's a knock on the door, and Zayn sighs but manages to pull himself up from the couch. He checks through the peephole and chuckles when he sees a shock of bottle blond hair through the lens.

"Babe, you've really got to start remembering your key," he laughs, greeting his boyfriend with a kiss, and Niall smiles against his lips.

"Or maybe you should just start leaving the door unlocked," he retorts because Niall has forgotten his key enough times to make that a viable option. Zayn just picks Niall up and twirls him, happy to have his little leprechaun home after a long day of work. (Zayn was a barista and Niall taught Reception at the primary school down the road. It wasn't much, their bank accounts weren't much, and neither was their tiny flat or their little car, but it was something.)

"And open our home to sketchy Bradford heathens? No thank you. Think of all the potential youths running in and out," he replied, and Niall looked at him seriously –and maybe a bit bewildered- for a moment before throwing his head back and laughing.

"What are you even _talking about_?" he asks, and Zayn shrugs because he only said it to hear Niall laugh again (he always wants to hear Niall laugh, _always, always_ ) and maybe only slightly out of fear for all their possessions being stolen.

"Never you mind it. Let's just have dinner, okay? You, me, and the cheapest wine the off-license has to offer?" he asked, and Niall didn't answer, just kissed him and moved off to their bedroom to change out of his work clothes.

God, did Zayn love Niall.

* * *

"Shit, babes?!"

Zayn groans as Niall's voice calls out for him. It's too early and Zayn had gone to bed too late. However, Zayn's never been one to not come when Niall called, so he peeled himself off his bed and found his boyfriend in the bathroom, tie tangled around his neck and shoulders and fingers knotted up in it by his neck. He snickered. "And what happened here?" he asked, leaning up against the doorframe, and Niall flushed.

"I can't… I can't remember how I'm supposed to do this," he answered, and he's pouting a little bit with his eyes opened up huge, and Zayn coos a little internally because his boyfriend is just so absolutely adorable and forlorn.

"Here, baby, lemme help you," he offered, stepping into the room a little more. He freed Niall's hands from where they were trapped up in his tie and looped the thing over his head to get it untangled before restringing it around the boy's neck. "Okay, hold on, I can only do this from one side," he said, and moved around Niall so his back was flush to his chest and reached his arms around the blonde's shoulders to tie his tie from the only angle he knew how. "All set," he said when he finished, planting a kiss to the corner of Niall's jaw. His boyfriend smiled.

"Thanks. I just had the _worst_ mental blank," he said with a small laugh. Zayn cracked a smile because, yes, Niall was a little spacy, but as far as he was concerned, it was one of the most adorable things in the world. He'd wake up to help Niall remember how to tie his tie any day if that was the cost of keeping him.

"It's cute. _You're_ cute," he promises, and with that, Niall has to be off to work. Zayn spanks him as he passes, and Niall yelps, blue eyes sparkling, and somewhere there's the promise of this being forever and Niall always being his, and Zayn doesn't need to be awake for another hour still, but he stays up anyway because he's too happy to fall asleep.

* * *

Zayn's a worried mess. Niall was supposed to just be picking up milk for tea, but he'd been gone an hour and a half. He'd tried his mobile only to hear ringing from somewhere in the flat, and he usually doesn't mind how forgetful his boyfriend can be, but he's cursing it now. If only had had remembered his phone. Zayn just wanted to know if he was okay.

He's pacing back and forth when the phone rings. Zayn almost doesn't answer because the caller ID doesn't say a person; it just says "unavailable" and he normally doesn't pick up for those calls. The only thing is that Niall is all but missing, and maybe this is important.

It is.

"Zayn, Zayn, I don't know where I am," Niall cries through the phone the second he clicks 'talk', and Zayn instantly tugs on his coat.

"What do you mean, baby? What happened?" he asked, swearing to himself as one of his arms gets hooked in his sleeve. He sorts himself out and throws open the hall closet door to search for a matching pair of shoes.

"I don't… I think I took a wrong turn. I don't know, I don't know how to get home, I'm lost, I don't know where I am," he answers, and Zayn's heart breaks at the sobbing coming from his boyfriend. He bites his lip, lacing up his boots with his phone held between his ear and shoulder.

"Okay, you're at a payphone, baby? Can you see any street signs from where you are?" he asks, and Niall makes almost like a choking noise.

"I can't, I can't, I don't know where I am," he says, and Zayn frowns.

"Okay, baby. Okay, well, you can't have gotten far. Can you see any places around you? What are the names of some of the stores and things?" he asks, and Niall lists a few very familiar boutiques and the name of a movie theatre, and Zayn would laugh, except it's not funny. "Aw, sweetie, you're right around the corner. Hold on, I'm going to come get you, okay? Don't move," he says, and hangs up the house phone before rushing down and out into the street, going just around the block. He doesn't see Niall before the younger boy crashes onto him in a hug.

"I didn't know how to get to you," Niall sobs, the plastic bag containing their milk hitting both of their hips. Zayn picks the younger boy up bridal style and lets him cry into his chest while he carries him home.

"Niall, baby, you should know this street. We live right here, sweetie. How did you get lost?" and Niall shook a bit in his arms.

"I don't know, I keep… I keep forgetting things lately. I don't know why I… I don't know," he says, and Zayn kisses him through his hair, worried about his snowflake's head.

"It's okay, we'll get you checked out, maybe, yeah?" Zayn asks, and Niall whimpers. This feels serious. Something about all this feels much too serious.

* * *

Zayn forgets about taking Niall to the doctor. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that Niall was sad when they got home, so they watched a few movies, and when he still wasn't totally cheered up, they both decided to get a bit loud in bed, and really, it was just that a bunch of other stuff got in the way.

It's not until things get dangerous that Zayn makes the call.

It's one of the rare days that Zayn gets home after Niall, and he enters the flat to the sound of his boyfriend in the shower and the smell of something burning. Zayn quickly moves to the kitchen and finds a pan on the stove on fire, flames licking at the wall.

It takes him all but six seconds to reach for the fire extinguisher under the sink and put it out, but holy crap, this place could have burned down with Niall inside.

And he's not really mad, he's just worried, but he storms into the bathroom loudly and is all but infuriated when he finds his boyfriend washing his hair without a care in the world. "Morning, honey! You're up early. What's that for?" Niall asks, nodding towards the fire extinguisher still in Zayn's hand, and Zayn explodes.

"What the _fuck_ , Niall? You can't just leave things on the fucking stove; you almost burnt the whole place down with you inside. You can't fucking do shit like this," he fumes, cursing far to many times, and something clicks in Niall's eyes.

"I was gonna cook you dinner," he says quietly, realisation taking over his whole face, and Zayn calms, understanding what this is and it scares him. Niall said morning. It was 18 hours already. He turns off the faucet, and Niall's knees go weak. Zayn catches him even though he's soaking.

"Niall, you can't leave the kitchen when you're cooking," he says seriously, but the heat in his voice is gone. Niall shakes his head.

"I just… I forgot," he says, and he sounds surprised with himself, but if Zayn is being honest, it doesn't actually shock him. Niall keeps forgetting important things lately. He's been forgetting so many important things. "I keep forgetting, Zayn, why am I doing that?"

"I don't know, baby. We're gonna go to the doctor's, yeah?" he asked, and Niall nodded.

"Yeah, okay."

* * *

"It's early-onset Alzheimer's," the doctor comes right out to say, and Zayn makes a sound he didn't know was possible. Niall doesn't seem phased next to him, but all of a sudden there's a dead look to his eye, and Zayn doesn't know how to make it better because the doctor is rambling on about how there isn't a cure but certain medications and lots of antioxidants can slow it down.

The doctor says it's rare. That it's genetic and it's rare, and it's almost unheard of for someone in their thirties to start showing symptoms, but here is Niall, thirty-two with no life ahead of him.

And Zayn pays attention. He really does. He listens to everything the doctor says with a tight grip on Niall's leg to remind him that he's still here and that he's not gone yet.

But it doesn't really help because Niall is going to be gone _soon_ , and all their plans of finally getting married, and them both getting better jobs, and 2.5 kids and a white picket fence and a dog in the front yard are gone with the rest of their future, and their physician leaves them to themselves, and Zayn starts crying harder than any other time in his life because this is by far the _worst_ news he has ever gotten.

"Zayn, baby, it's okay, I'm right here," Niall says as he links his arms around his shoulders, but his voice is flat, and Zayn feels like he's dying.

"You said you'd never leave me. You said you'd _always be here_. You said _we would be together forever_ , and now we're _not_. You're going to _leave me_ , and I am going to _miss you_ ," Zayn weeps, and Niall shudders in his arms, the best display of emotion he's yet to show today.

"I don't want to," Niall answers, and his voice is clogged with tears. "I don't want to forget you, I'm not going to forget you, I'm not going to forget anything else, I love you so much, please don't let me go," Niall begs, and Zayn rubs his nose on the back of his hand, clutching onto Niall so tightly, he thinks the younger boy's back might break.

"No, no, don't worry, I'm right here, I'm right here, I'm always going to be _right here_ ," Zayn answers and pulls away to look Niall straight on and cards his fingers through his hair, sniffing at the sight of his boyfriend's red-rimmed eyes. "You're the one that's slipping away," he said, and Niall breaks down in front of him, all wet cheeks and wracking shoulders, and Zayn cries at his side because as much as he wants to, he just _can't be strong right now_.

"I meant it," Niall hiccups through his tears. "I meant that I am always going to love you. I meant it," he chokes, and Zayn nods and wraps him up into a tighter hug. There's not much else he can do.

Walking out of the doctor's office later is a bitch. They've both got tear-stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes, and it's obvious that they just got bad news. Everyone is looking at them with a question mark on their lips, and Niall is shaking under their stares.

The ride home isn't better. Niall has him stop the car so he can get out and throw up on the sidewalk. Zayn cries as he rubs his back, wishing he could tell him things would get better, but he can't because they're only going to get worse.

"It doesn't matter how long you love me, Niall," Zayn says later while they're snuggling on the couch. "It doesn't matter if you forget because I'm always going to remember for you, alright? I'll remember for the both of us," he promises, and Niall bursts into tears, and Zayn is right there with him. He's not in a place to be giving any comfort, but Zayn holds Niall anyway because his boyfriend needs to be held, and soon he might not let him.

* * *

"How did we meet?" Niall asks a few days later while they're sitting in bed watching Finding Nemo. Zayn smiles and traces circles up and down his sick boyfriend's arm.

"We were watching this movie, actually," he says, and Niall beams.

"I knew it!" he replied, and Zayn keeps smiling, but his heart is crumbling into a million pieces.

"Yes, you did," he whispers, and they both watch the movie for a few more minutes before he continues. "Liam hadn't wanted a big graduation party, so he asked a few of his best mates over to watch a movie together. It was just you, me, Liam, Louis, and Harry. And you knew Liam from track, and I knew you from sitting in the stands, smoking and watching all the time. I was supposed to be watching Liam and waiting for him to be done so I could give him a ride home, but I ended up always watching you. And then somehow we ended up next to each other on the couch, and you didn't know me, but you ended up in my lap anyway cause you felt so bad for Martin and Nemo. We were only picked Finding Nemo because you somehow still hadn't seen it, but I don't think you really wanted to all that much. It made you sad. It still makes you sad," Zayn says reminiscently, pulling Niall in closer and burying his nose into the other boy's neck.

"And then what?" Niall asked, and Zayn really just wanted to cry for a couple days because how could Niall _not remember_ , but he presses on.

"And then later you were tugging on your coat to go home, and I didn't want you to leave, so I asked if I could give you a ride home on my bike. You said yes, and then-"

"And then instead of just dropping me off, you followed me up to my room _uninvited_ , so I had no choice to let you in. Into my house, into my life, into my everything really," Niall finished, and Zayn nodded, smile breaking out onto his face because maybe Niall could remember. Maybe he just needed some kick-starts sometimes.

"Yeah. And remember what we did when you let me in?" he asked with a bit of a seductive smirk, and Niall pursed his lips, pretending to ponder.

"Hm, lets see… you took a coke from my fridge, flicked through my DVDs, crunched your can up and said, 'okay, so I really wanna bang you, but I don't know how to head in that direction without just coming out and saying it,' and I laughed because you were dumb, but somehow that got my pants to drop and my legs to open, and it probably still would if you said it again right now," Niall laughed, and Zayn melted into the sound.

"Okay, so I really wanna bang you, but I don't know how to head in that direction without just coming out and saying it," he quoted, tickling Niall's sides, and causing the younger boy to giggle adorably.

"Well, you could start by coming over here and taking off your shirt," Niall said, recalling the same words he'd spoken to Zayn years ago, and Zayn pulled him into a kiss, slipping off his shirt just like before except now they had practice and neither of them were nervous.

"I remembered," Niall says against his lips, stripping off his own t-shirt, and Zayn smiled.

"Of course you did."

* * *

Zayn starts asking Niall as many questions as Niall asks him. He wants to know, is the thing. He wants to know everything.

See, Zayn knows that there's going to be a day where Niall can't tell him stories without help anymore. There's going to be a point where Zayn stops learning new things about Niall when Niall is going to be constantly learning new things about himself.

Zayn doesn't want to let all of Niall's stories slip by. He doesn't want the dumb things to be let go. He doesn't want anything small to slip past unknown by him, and he wants to make sure he understands absolutely everything about Niall so he can be there for him later.

And that's another thing. Zayn starts making lists. He starts making lists upon lists upon lists. Lists of Niall's favourites, lists of Niall's least favourites, lists of Niall's everything in between. He writes down all of Niall's stories while he taps cigarette ashes off the edge of the balcony. He listens to Niall more than ever before, and that's saying something.

Zayn wants to be close. He wants to be so close he hates it. He doesn't want to waste a minute with Niall because they're more limited than he thought, and it sucks.

So he makes lists, and he writes it all down, and he picks Niall up from work in the afternoon, and stays up to watch him sleep, and Zayn remembers it all. He crams it all in his brain, and he remembers for when Niall can't.

* * *

"Well, I guess if there's one benefit from all this, it's that I'm finally getting into shape," Niall says as they're out on one of their early morning runs. Early-onset Alzheimer's patients are supposed to get a lot of cardiovascular exercise, apparently, and Zayn didn't want to spend a single unnecessary second out of Niall's sight so they went on jogs together.

"You were always in shape," he pants as they push along down the sidewalk. "Me, on the other hand? The only time my heart rate rises is when we watch Paranormal Activity 3," he jokes, and Niall laughs.

"Oh, yeah! You always get so freaked out by that one, don't you? Like… you know what's gonna happen by now, what even," Niall laughs, hardly breathing hard at all while Zayn is hardly breathing. Sometimes it seems like things are just buried a little deeper in Niall's brain than expected. Like now. Niall remembers, he just needed a kick-start.

Zayn tries to pretend it will stay this way forever.

"It's just… ugh, Toby. So freaky. I don't' know how you keep your shit watching that, it's horrifying," he said, shivering, and Niall shrugged. They reach a corner and Niall bounces from toe to toe while Zayn doubles over, trying to breathe. He thinks that maybe he should stop smoking so much, but then he remembers that soon he'll be living without Niall. It's that thought that keeps him buying a pack a day.

"Maybe a little. But you're a grown-ass man. You should be able to take it," Niall sniffs haughtily, and Zayn catches his breath and quirks an eyebrow at him.

"Oh yeah?" he asks, reaching his hands out to tickle Niall's sides because he loves Niall's laugh and tickling is _always_ ample punishment for teasing. Niall squeals and starts off running before he gets the chance.

"Oh no you don't!" he yelps, running away, and Zayn laughs despite gasping for breath and chases after him, reaching out only to have his fingers graze the younger boy's sweatshirt hood every time he tries.

They finish their run faster than usual, both sweaty messes, and Zayn finally tackles Niall on the stairs up to their flat, tickling him until they're both coughing through their giggles, and Zayn loves Niall more then than any other moment they've had together. He loves Niall more and more everyday.

* * *

"Zayn, how many eggs do I add to these cookies, I can't… I can't remember," Niall says, and the pause holds more than Zayn would like it too.

"Two, Niall," he answers quietly, and Niall looks up at him, wincing like he knows he's asked this questions before –and he has, over and over, at least four times previous to this- but he can't remember ever getting an answer.

"You told me that a bit ago," Niall says, drawing some semblance of a memory out, and this is one of Niall's bad days. Sometimes things are easy, and Niall maybe misplaces his glasses while they're on his nose or he can't figure out how the washing machine works. Sometimes they're hard, and Niall gets frustrated and angry all of a sudden because the disease comes with mood swings, but it's hard for Zayn to remember that. Sometimes Niall forgets which door leads to the bathroom. Sometimes Niall asks how they met and doesn't finish the story for Zayn. Sometimes he asks twice in a row and doesn't pretend to know the answers. "You told me that a couple times."

"It's just been a bad day for you, sweetheart, don't be scared, yeah? We're gonna be okay. You… you won't forget everything," he promises. _You won't forget me_. Except Zayn is lying to Niall and lying to himself because Niall is going to forget it all, he already is, and no amount of prescriptions or blueberries is going to help matters.

"I'm trying, Zayn, I'm just…"

"I know," Zayn promises, getting up from his spot at the counter and pulling Niall into a hug, fingers lacing through his hair. He hugs Niall more now. He hugs him because he doesn't know how long he's going to get to.

* * *

Niall has to quit his job teaching. He can't remember the kids names anymore, is always calling them by the wrong one. He can't remember his lesson plans. He can't keep track of adding. He can't keep track of his spelling. One day he broke down crying at the board because he couldn't remember if the alphabet went "m-n-o" or "n-m-o". He got sent home, and that was that.

Now Zayn works two jobs. One at the coffee shop, and then one selling tickets at the cinema Niall got lost in front of that one time.

And it's hard because Zayn just wants to see Niall. He just wants to see him all the time because _time_ is something they are short on, but he _needs_ to support him, so now it's like the hardly see each other at all.

Except not really because Zayn stays up all night with Niall all the time. He's exhausted, yes, but he needs to be with Niall or he will forget him. He won't mean to, but he will. He so will, and it's terrifying.

When he does fall asleep, when the alarm clock starts blaring, when he wakes up, Niall is looking at him. Niall is always looking at him all he can because Niall forgets things that are right in front of his face, let alone things that are far from him, so he soaks Zayn up, and Zayn doesn't mind.

He just wants Niall.

He just wants him all the time, and the world is working against them in everyway.

* * *

"Liam, Louis! What are you doing here?" Niall asks excitedly as he opens the door to his smiling friends. "Where's Harry?" he asked. Zayn bites his lip, hoping their friends didn't mind his boyfriend's forgetfulness. They knew about the disease, but Zayn knew just how hard it could be to understand that Niall didn't choose what he forgot.

"Were here for a double date, remember? You're the one who set it up, Niall. A picnic in the park. We brought the food, and you guys can bring your happy selves. That was the plan," Louis answered, and Niall smacked his forehead.

"Right, right, I can't believe I forgot that, I guess… I guess I forgot to write it down on the calendar," he says, and Zayn checks. He had. They try to keep their calendar excessively up to date and full of information because Niall had a habit of forgetting what day it was, let alone remembering the things he needed to do on whatever date.

"It's no problem. Why don't you put on your shoes, Ni?" Liam asked, and Niall nodded, turning to do so, and Liam frowned.

"It's weird," the older boy says, and Zayn nods because he knows. He opens his mouth to say something. Maybe something about how lonely he feels. Maybe just 'yes, it is', but Niall calls for him.

"Zayn, can you help me tie my shoes? I can't remember if the rabbit goes in the hole or out…" Zayn smiles because even if Niall is forgetful, he's still _Niall_ most of the time and shrugs to his friends.

"Duty calls. Hold on a moment," he said, going back into the house to help his boyfriend out.

"Thank you. You're so helpful; I love you so much. Maybe I can weasel Louis and Liam into buying us ice cream before the day is through, what do you think?" he asked, and Zayn smiled.

"I think you probably could," he answers, kissing Niall straight on, and his leprechaun giggled.

"Oi, we have things to do now! Kissing will only lead you down a very naughty road, my friend," he laughed, and Zayn smirked.

"Maybe that's just where I wanna go," he retorted, sucking on Niall's neck in attempt to leave a rather massive love bite, but Liam and Louis are calling from the front hall, so they get up and go, and while maybe Niall retells stories like it's the boys first time hearing them, and while maybe he forgets how to zip up his jacket, they all have a nice afternoon, and it's not so hard living with Niall like this.

He remembers what he can, and that's all Zayn can ask of him.

* * *

"Hey, Niall! Hi, Zayn!" Harry rushes up to them at the grocery store, and Niall smiles.

"Hi! What are you doing here?" he asks, and Zayn puts his fingers over Niall's on the shopping cart because there's a lack of recognition in Niall's eyes, and it concerns him. He can't have forgotten Harry. Sure, they don't see him a lot anymore, what with his high-stress, fancy, lawyer job, but he's… he's Harry.

"Gemma's having the whole family over for dinner, and I'm in charge of picking up dessert," he says with a dimpled smile. "I'm actually glad I ran into you. You're an expert on all things food, yeah?" he asked, and Niall's eyes widen.

"Duh, Haz. And I'm best at desserts. Why, what were you thinking of?" he asked and Harry shrugged. Zayn barely knows what they're talking about anymore, he's just so happy that Niall remembered whom he was talking to. He should have been more optimistic. Niall is doing fine. He's not forgetting that badly. He's fine; he's so fine.

"I don't know. You know what? Never mind, I'm just gonna get an ice cream cake and book it. How's your head doin', man?" Harry asks, ruffling Niall's hair, and Zayn watches as a familiar blush crept up on Niall's cheeks, the boy's hands going up to untangle his hair the second Harry removed his hands.

"It's not that great. Keep forgettin' Zayn doesn't like jelly on his sandwiches," he says, and looks at Zayn with the guiltiest face he's ever seen, except Zayn gets that look a lot now, and it doesn't hurt as much as it did before. Harry nods.

"I could see that happening. Stay strong, Niall. I've gotta run, I'm already a half hour late, and I think we can both agree my contribution is the most important, but I'll call you, yeah? Maybe I can take a turn in helping you remember stuff, you think?" he asks, and Niall nods before Harry scampers off.

"It was odd," the blonde says once he's gone. "I couldn't remember it was Harry for a second. I forgot his face for a moment." Zayn bites his lip and takes a deep breath.

"You remembered. That's all that counts. And you'll always remember me," Zayn tries to reassure him, tries to reassure himself.

Niall doesn't say anything, but his response is still deafening.

* * *

"Zayn? Zayn, please let me in. Zayn, I don't know what I did wrong. I'm… I don't know. I'm so sorry. Is it your birthday or something? I don't know what I'm forgetting, Zayn, I don't remember what I am forgetting," Niall calls through the bedroom door, but Zayn is too frustrated to listen to him.

It was their anniversary.

The anniversary of the day they met, and Niall had just forgotten.

Niall was always the one to remember.

And really, Zayn shouldn't be feeling this way. Niall asks them about their life together _all the time_ ; there are so many things he has forgotten. He can't help it; he has a disease clouding up his brain. He has _Alzheimer's_. He's thirty-two years old with _Alzheimer's_ , and he's young, and he's scared, and he's Niall, and Zayn loves him so, so much, but he is frustrated.

It was written on the calendar. Zayn had reminded him three times that week. It had been etched into Niall's brain for eleven years now. Eleven years of kisses, and inside jokes, and Finding Nemo, and planning maybe a wedding one day and maybe kids a bit after that, but apparently that didn't mean anything to Niall anymore.

Except it does, and Zayn knows that, he's just mad. He's just so mad at God for doing this to him, and the world for letting it happen, and stupid Niall for being stupid even when he's not, and he's brilliant and perfect, and he never asked for this to happen to either of them.

He keeps holed up in the bedroom for a while, crying into his pillow and kicking at his sheets because he's just so mad and he feels so useless. He was supposed to be the one to save Niall, and now it was like he was just leaving the love of his life to go at it alone.

When he comes out, he doesn't expect to see Niall sobbing in their beaten leather recliner to the movie Finding Nemo. The blonde turns to Zayn and cries a little harder.

"The daddy fish is all alone," he says, and Zayn's heart breaks all over again. His heart breaks all the time now. He rushes over and sweeps Niall up into a hug, kissing his temple on repeat. Niall speaks through snot and tears. "I don't want to leave you alone. I want to be yours forever, and I want you to be mine."

"Shhh, Niall, it's okay. We're going to be okay. You'll always have me, you'll always know me," he promises, he lies, he's always lying. He's always breaking, always lying, always working, always crying.

"I met you at Liam's," Niall says, wiping tears from his cheeks and looking at Zayn. "I met you at Liam's because he was done school. And we watched Nemo, and I sat in your lap, and you took me home because you'd had a crush on me for ages. And then you said… you said…" Niall bites his lip uncertainly, and Zayn closes his eyes, grabbing both of Niall's hands in his own.

"Please, please, you've got this," he begs, not to Niall so much as to everything and everyone. He needs Niall to remember.

"You said 'Okay, so I really wanna bang you, but I don't know how to head in that direction without just coming out and saying it,' and I said, 'Well, you could start by coming over here and taking off your shirt,' and then you did. And then we were _us_ , and it's… it's been eleven years. Today. It's our anniversary," he said, and Zayn let out a shuddering sigh.

" _Yes_. Yes it _is_ ," he gasped, and Niall sniffled.

"But I don't know what today is, though. I don't know what's the date. It just feels right. I don't… I don't know where I am. I went outside in a big puffy coat and my mittens yesterday, but it was warm out," Niall says, voice shaking with fear, and Zayn shook his head.

"You're just confused, Niall. It's okay, I'm going to take care of you," he promised, and Niall made a keening noise.

"But I'm just getting worse, Zayn. I'm not going to be allowed on my own forever. I… Remember? I almost burned the house down that one time," he explained, and Zayn wants to throw up thinking about it all.

"You're not going to do that again."

"Zayn, you're not thinking clearl-"

"Niall, let's just watch the movie, okay? You remember how they find Nemo?" he asked, and Niall shook his head, looking terribly forlorn. Zayn presses his lips together. "Right, I didn't think so, so let's find out, yeah? Let's just watch the movie today, work on the rest later."

* * *

"How is he doing?" Liam asks while Louis shrugs off his coat to go find Niall in the back of the flat. Zayn shakes his head as means of an answer, and Liam wraps Zayn up into a hug. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, we're going to be here for you, okay? We… we'll always be here for the both of you."

Zayn hugs back, though he's sort of flustered. He just wants to have a nice double date with friends, but Liam's ruining it by reminding him about all the things he doesn't want to think about.

The two move to the living room and find Niall shaking Louis's hand. "It's nice to meet you, Louis. I wish Zayn would have told me we were going out with his friends tonight, I would have worn something nicer," the blond says and quirks his eye over at Liam. "And who is this?" he asked, and Zayn's heart sinks.

"Niall, this is Liam. You know Liam and Louis," he said, and Niall bit his lip, suddenly looking nervous.

"The Liam where we met?" he asked, and Zayn nodded.

"The Liam where we met," he answered, and Niall blushes a furious shade of red while Liam looks rather uncomfortable and Louis looks near tears. Zayn wishes it would all go away.

"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, I'm so… I'm just so forgetful lately, do you… do you know?" he asked, and Liam nodded.

"Yeah, we know. It's okay, Niall, we aren't mad. Just means we have to come visit you more maybe, yeah?" Liam asks and claps his hands together while the room grows awkwardly silent. "Well, we should probably all head out, yeah? We're going to Nandos," he said excitedly, and Niall looked to Zayn.

"Have I been there before?" he asked, and Zayn nodded.

"Yes, it's your favourite," he promised him, and Niall nodded, and Zayn led him out the door by the small of his back, pretending not to hear Louis frantically talking to Liam with a wavering voice. He knows this is hard, but he can't take the thought of it being hard on anyone else. He has too many things to fix, and Liam is enough for Louis, he always has been.

"Where are we going, Zayn?" Niall asks as they hit the streets, eyes wide with curiosity, and Zayn shakes his head a little bit, biting back tears.

"We're going to dinner, Niall. Nandos. I think you'll like it there," he swears, and Niall smiles and tucks himself into his side, blissfully unaware of how far away he's grown, and Zayn wishes he could be just like him. He wishes he didn't have to watch this. He wishes he could be distant and far and not at the heart of it all with everything he loved so dearly slipping away.

* * *

"Say my name, Niall," Zayn begs after Louis and Liam go home. "Say my name, and don't stop saying it. Always remember it. Spell it. Speak it. Say my name, say my name," he begs and Niall frowns and climbs on top of him, kissing his cheeks and muttering the word over his skin.

"Zayn. Zayn, Zayn, Zayn, Zayn. Z-A-Y-N. Sometimes I call you Zaynie. Sometimes I just call you Z. Sometimes when you're too much for me or I can't hold back, I just let out a 'nnnnnnn' sound," he said, lips against Zayn's now in a kiss.

"Say it again," he demands. "Keep saying it, please, I need you to say it, I need you to remember."

"Zayn, Zayn, Zayn, Zayn, Zayn, Zayn, Zayn."

* * *

"I haven't ever learned how to dance, have I, Zayn?" Niall asks one day while they're lying around. Zayn some how has an afternoon free, and it's odd, but he's not complaining. He'd rather have Niall than money anyway.

"No, you haven't, would you like to learn?" he asks, and Niall hums.

"I don't think I would mind. I'd like to do it at least once, even if I forget it all by tomorrow," he says realistically, and Zayn wishes he would stop doing that. It seems like Niall is relaxing into this whole Alzheimer's thing, and that's the last thing Zayn wants.

"Okay, come over here, I'll teach you how swing, that's the only one I know how," he says, dragging Niall up from his spot on the couch and pulling their bodies flush together. "Okay, ready. Mirror me, alright? It's one, two, rock'a'back, one, two, rock'a'back, one, two… yes, like that, but let you're whole body go with it," he instructs, and Niall's feet move to the rhythm Zayn has created.

"This isn't so hard. I thought it would be more difficult," Niall says, and Zayn smiles gently.

"No, it's not hard, Nialler. You're good," he promises, and bites his lip. "Okay, ready? I'm going to spin you, just keep your feet moving to the same beat, okay?" he asks, pushing Niall's hip to turn him and the boy spins under his arm.

"Fancy," Niall says once their pressed back together again. "Do you know anything else?" he questioned, and Zayn shook his head.

"No, I don't. I'm not a very good dancer. But… But maybe we can just stay like this, okay? Maybe we could slow dance just together more. I'm gonna miss you, and I like being close," Zayn said, and shit, now he's talking realistically, too. Niall smiles at him.

"I'll miss you, too," he promises, but they both know he won't. Niall snags the stereo remote and puts on Michael Bublé. Sometimes Niall jokes that he'll forget he loves Zayn but remember how great Michael's music is forever.

"Let's just dance," Zayn offers, tugging Niall near to him again and kissing his cheek, arms snaking around his waist. He rocks his boyfriend back and forth and remembers a time where they both weren't so tired and frustrated. This is nice, being with Niall.

He is so going to miss being with Niall.

* * *

Niall's voice ringing in his ear wakes him up in the middle of the night. "Zayn. Zayn. Zayn, wake up right now. Zayn, wake up right now before I forget. Zayn you have to wake up."

"Mgh, whaddya 'n 'bout?" he slurs, sitting up on one of his elbows and scrubbing at his opposite eye. He peers at Niall and finds him kneeling on the floor by his bed with a little red box in his hands, and Zayn's breath catches. "Holy shit, what…"

Niall's fingers fumble over the lid. "Look, I've been meaning… I've been meaning to do this for a while. I just kept forgetting to pick it up from the jewellers', and then I kept forgetting where I put it, and then I kept forgetting to tell you, but… but I woke up and I remembered, okay? And I have to do this now, it's the right time somehow. It's the right time somewhere. I'm sorry I forgot. I wouldn't ever want to forget this," Niall spews off, and Zayn reaches out a hand to thread through Niall's hair, noticing tears in Niall's eyes through the blur of his own.

"Niall, you don't have to do this if you don't want to," he says quietly because it's two in the morning, and he's scared Niall wants to do this for all the wrong reasons. Zayn is always going to support Niall. He is always going to be there for him. He doesn't need a ring to make that happen.

"No, no. _You_ don't have to do this if you don't want to, Zayn. I… I want this with all my heart. I've always wanted this with all my heart. Remember how you used to watch me run with Liam? Well, I don't…" Niall brow furrowed, "I don't think I ever told you this, but I was watching you, too, Zayn. And I was too embarrassed to ever say it because I used to pretend you were mine up there in the stands. I've always wanted to be with you, Zayn. I've always wanted you mine. I want you officially mine. And I want… I don't want to forget that. I want a ring on my finger. I want a constant reminder that I belong to you. And I want it soon before I don't know all you mean to me. Before I really do forget how we first met. Before I really do forget two eggs in your favourite cookies and our best friends are Liam, Louis, and Harry. I want to remember you when I become yours, and I very much want to become yours," he says, and Zayn's crying but he doesn't remember when he stared.

"Of course, Niall, of course. We'll get married now, yeah? We'll get married before the week is out. And we'll have Liam, and Louis, and Harry all there. And you'll remember because you'll have to remember, and we'll say 'til death do us part' and mean it because we're both never going to forget," he says, all choked up, and Niall leans so his head is on the mattress and he's not looking at Zayn.

"But I am going to forget," he says quietly, and Zayn shakes his head.

"No. Because I am going to remember for you. It'll always be us, Niall, it'll always be us," he promises because Zayn has always made a lot of promises he can't keep, and it's getting worse with Niall being this way.

* * *

Zayn notices that Niall spends a lot of time twirling his ring around his finger. It's getting sadder and sadder to watch Niall.

Niall used to be impatient. He used to get bored quicker than quick and do all sorts of silly, endearing things because of it. Now Niall can sit for ages because he doesn't remember when he sat down.

Zayn brings him to work with him because he's scared to leave him at home. Niall forgets which way to turn the faucet for cold water and burns his hands all the time. It's cute because every time he does it there's mass swearing and Zayn especially likes it when he yells about _showers of cunts_ and _mother fucking fuck of all fucks_ , but it's scary because Niall is always doing things like that and always getting hurt, so to work Niall comes.

He just sits at a table and twiddles his thumbs. He looks at the window. He moves his ring around over and over, smiling because he's married. Zayn wonders if he is still associating Zayn with the ring. Like maybe he just smiles about being married instead of about him. But then Niall looks up and gives him a smile and a wave, and Zayn feels like he can breathe again.

It's just scary. It's just so, so scary.

* * *

It finally happens, and Zayn doesn't see it coming at _all_. Maybe he'd been lying to himself for too long. Maybe it really did come out of nowhere. Regardless, Zayn wasn't ready. He never would have been ready.

They wake up one morning, and Niall looks at him, eyes a swirling mass of confusion.

"Who… who are you?" Niall asks, and if Zayn hadn't been all the way awake before, he certainly was now. He coughs into his sleeve. Coughing turns to gagging incredibly quickly.

"What… what do you mean?" he manages between lurches, and Niall frowns.

"Like… like who are you? Who are you, where am I?" Niall asks, and then he seems to realise that he's with a stranger in a strange place and he jerks up and out of bed, swirling around. "Oh god, where am I? Where have you taken me? What the hell is going on? I wanna go home, why did you take me? I want to go home. Who _are you_?" Niall asks, and Zayn always imagined himself being resigned and keeping cool when this inevitably happened but instead he has to fling himself into the bathroom so he throws up in the sink instead of all over his and Niall's mattress and sheets.

He's dry heaving when Niall enters the bathroom, looking small in one of Zayn's too-big t-shirts and sweatpants. "Please, I just… I want… I want Zach. No, Zayn! I want Zayn; he's my boyfriend. I want my boyfriend. Or, actually… no… no, I think Zayn might be my husband. Please take me to Zayn," he begged, tears rushing down his cheeks to mirror Zayn's, and Zayn turns on the faucet to rinse his sick down the drain. He turns to Niall, wiping his mouth on a towel.

"I'm Zayn," he creaks out, and Niall's eyes widen.

"But, I'm… oh," Niall says uselessly, and starts sobbing. "Well, shit. Shit, I didn't… Zayn, I didn't mean to. I forgot. I just forgot. I can't believe I just forgot when you're the most important thing to me, and I need you so much, and I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to. You have to believe me, I didn't mean to, Zayn… Zayn, fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm so sorry."

"I know," Zayn says. "It's okay." But it's not.

"No, no, I forgot you, and you're… shit, I forgot, I'm just so confused all the time, I hate it, too, and you're… you've had to be so strong while I just lost it all like this, and I'm so sorry."

"I'm not being strong," Zayn tells him because he's not. Not at all.

"Yes, you are. You're being so strong, and I've been nothing but uncaring and forgetful. I wanna be Niall again for you. I'm not Niall anymore. I'm not right. You can't… I'm ruining you because I'm being ruined, I hate this."

"I don't' know what you're talking about, Niall," Zayn frowns, but he does. He does all too well. Niall shakes his head and falls to his knees at Zayn's feet and look sup at him.

"I'm so sorry," he says for the millionth time. "I love you, Zayn. I love you more than anyone. I am going to remember for you," he assures him, hugging onto his legs and burying his face between Zayn's knees, and Zayn is just so sick of lies. He's so sick of being lied to.

Zayn just wants Niall and forever and that bigger flat they always talked about. Maybe in Holmes Chapel like where Harry used to live because it had always been so nice when they had visited.

Zayn doesn't like thinking about how he's never going to get that flat in Holmes Chapel.

He doesn't like thinking about how he's not Niall's anymore.

* * *

Zayn is up to smoking two packs per day.

* * *

"Zayn, I think you need to start thinking about maybe putting Niall in a safer environment," Liam says one day while the four of them are out at lunch. Louis is taking care of Niall, reading him the menu because Niall has long since forgotten how, and shit, when did that even happen? His head whips around to look at Liam.

"What?" he asked, alarmed, and Liam puts a hand over Zayn's.

"He's not doing well, Zayn. I know… I know you're keeping him with you, but you have work, you know? What happens if you take your eyes off him for a minute and he wanders of, Zayn? He doesn't even remember to look both ways before he crosses the street," he tells him, and it's the hard truth of the matter.

"But I don't take my eyes off him, Liam. I have to keep my eyes on him, and he has to keep his on me, or else… or else…"

"He'll forget?" Liam asked, "Cause it looks like he's already done that." Zayn doesn't like what Liam is saying. Niall remembers him sometimes. When it's important. After a little explaining. He remembers, he does. They're Zayn and Niall. It's been Zayn and Niall for so long, Zayn doesn't want to go changing it now. Liam sighs, eyes softening. "Look, Zayn, I know this is hard, but you know I just want what's best for the both of you, right? I'm not saying forget him too. I'm not saying to let him go. I'm saying put him somewhere with people who can take care of him better than you can," he says, and Zayn starts shaking.

"I'm not going to let him go to sleep without me watching over him. I'm not going to put him somewhere without me. I'm the only one he knows anymore. I'm the only one he knows," he says twice because he thinks it needs repeating. Liam rubs his temples.

"Zayn, Niall is… Niall isn't really here anymore, you know? I mean… he's under there. He's under there, and he comes out every now and then, but… but he's sick, you know? He's sick, and he needs more help than just what you can give him. Just… I need you to promise you'll think about putting him in a home."

"No, that sounds awful," Zayn answers immediately. And he doesn't care if Liam's right. He's not right. He's stupid and wrong, and he's trying to break up _Niall and Zayn_. Nothing can break up Niall and Zayn. (Except something already has, and it's early-onset Alzheimer's.) Nobody knows Niall like Zayn does. No nurse is going to understand how Niall needs cherry Jell-O when he asks for red. They're not going to get that Niall always takes one pill dry and one pill with water. No doctor would play Michael Bublé when Niall was feeling sad or put Finding Nemo on when Niall was especially forgetful.

"Zayn…" Liam trails off, but Louis calls them over before Liam gets to continue.

"Zayn? I think he wants you. He's asking for Zach," Louis says with a wince, and Zayn nods his head.

"Yeah, sometimes he does that," he said, weaving through the tables and taking his customary seat next to Niall so he can help him through the meal. Niall looks at him with big, wide eyes.

"Zayn," Niall says simply, and Zayn closes his eyes, pressing his lips into a thin, straight line.

"Say it again. Keep saying it."

"Zayn, Zayn, Zayn, Zayn, Zayn."

* * *

"Who are you?" Niall asks, and Zayn cries. Niall doesn't seem like he notices.

"I'm Zayn, remember? I'm your husband. Look at your ring," he tells him, and Niall does as he's instructed and smiles at him like he remembers, but Zayn knows he doesn't. He just knows.

"Oh, yeah. And how did we meet?" he asked, and Zayn doesn't bother to hide the tears slipping down his cheeks. It's not like Niall would notice or know how to help with them anyway.

"We met at one of our friend's house," he says because Niall isn't going to remember who Liam is. "And then I invited myself over to your house, and we had sex. We've been together ever since," he explains, and Niall nods.

"Right. And what's your name again? I'm sorry I'm so forgetful," he apologises, but Niall doesn't say sorry like he used to anymore. He means it, but he doesn't understand how much he _needs_ to mean it. Not anymore. He doesn't know who Zayn is.

"I'm Zayn," he answers. "I'm Zayn. Do you think you could please say my name to me maybe a few times? Just say my name."

"Zayn."

"Say it again."

"Zayn."

"Again, again, again."

"Zayn, Zayn, Zayn."

"Right. And you're Niall, and I love you _so much_ , and you don't know it anymore, but that's okay. Because I know, and I'm never going to stop knowing, and I'm going to love you forever, okay? I'm going to be here forever. It's going to be me and you forever," he says, and he's been crying all the while, but only now does Niall seem to notice.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, and Zayn shudders, trying to take in air, but it's proving impossible.

"I'm just lonely," he answered, threading his hands with Niall's, but when he weaves their fingers together it's like the other boy doesn't remember how they're suppose to fit. It's all wrong. Everything is so wrong. "I'm just so very lonely, and I miss you so very badly, and I think… I don't think I can take care of you anymore, but I want to," he explains, and Niall frowns so deeply and so confusedly it's hard to look at. Zayn is sick of Niall being confused.

"You miss me? But I'm right here," Niall replied, and Zayn moves one of his hands to tangle into Niall's hair and he buries his nose in the younger boy's bangs.

"You are, but you're heads not. You're not all here. You're not with me right anymore. And I just miss you," he says. Niall doesn't reply for a while, and when he does, it's not at all what he wants to hear.

"I'm sorry, but who are you?"


End file.
